Grief Is Like That

Grief Is Like That

The girl, three chairs down from me, is giggling. I’m getting a pedicure in La Crosse, something I’ve treated myself to regularly since having both hips replaced years ago.

The male technician lifts the girl's foot and uses a buff pad on the sole, a ticklish area. Her giggling takes me back to my granddaughter Helena’s birthdays when I’d ask what she wanted to do, and she’d choose a pedicure.

We’d sit side by side, our bodies vibrating in the massage chairs. When it was time for the buffing, Helena would pull her foot back and shake her head, her hand covering her mouth—a habit she’d developed while she had braces. Her laughter was infectious as she scrambled to communicate, “Stop!”

This image of Helena stays with me while I do errands. I call my daughter and share it with her. Jessica responds, “Yes, she was so ticklish…” Then we’re both quiet, lost in our own sad thoughts.

Grief is like that. Memories are triggered by things you enjoyed doing together, how someone tosses back their hair, smells, foods, places you visited together, dates, and holiday traditions. I welcome the memories, although they make the loss of Helena more incomprehensible, knowing I won’t hear her laugh again, or hear her scold us for our uncontrollable cackling during a New Year’s game of Spoons.

Recently there was a terrible car accident in town. It was triggering, horrifying. The scene from the car crash that killed Helena came roaring back like a movie on automatic rerun. Like a child trying to get water out of my ear at the local swimming pool, I stood and jumped on one foot, trying to expel the image of the terrifying end of my granddaughter’s life.

Talking with Jessica and with friends who’ve experienced the traumatic and unexpected deaths of their children, I begin to see patterns. Days they consider “good” are welcomed respites from the awful weeks when even getting out of bed is difficult. One constant, I’ve learned, is that there’s nothing linear about mourning your loved ones. Another is that no one grieves the same way. Jessica’s tears could fill the Kickapoo River, but not everyone cries.

Helena enjoyed fast things. She loved riding on the back of her dad’s Triumph motorcycle. Her love of speed resulted in an early traffic ticket when she was driving her brother's car because he was tired. Her right foot grew heavy as she listened to music with the road stretching out ahead and Ethan snoozing in the passenger seat.

Helena loved go-karting, another pick for her special birthday trips. She would press the pedal down, her hair blowing back and a grin spreading across her face. I can picture her hugging the corners, leaning in to get that extra edge,

After Helena’s death, Ethan and Jessica pored through family pictures and videos, wanting to secure their memories. One of my favorite video clips was taken by Jessica not long before Helena’s death, while Helena was being treated at Children’s Hospital for complications from cystic fibrosis. With the door to her room closed and the curtain drawn, Helena pushes the IV pole and rocks out to music only she can hear in earbuds. As she’s bopping around, ponytail swinging back and forth, blue hospital gown flapping, the door suddenly opens and a nurse hands her something. As Helena takes it, she turns toward her mom, cheeks flushed with a huge “You caught me!” grin.

Another favorite memory was when Helena stayed here without her parents or Ethan. She gathered eggs, gave the donkeys apples, snoozed on the porch with cats on her lap, and enjoyed s’mores over the fire. But the part that always makes me laugh was when she was petting Luna and Peepers, the baby goats, and they got out of the pen. She yelled, “Grandma, the goats are out!” and I said, “Get them back in.” She managed to corral Peepers but couldn’t get Luna to turn around. I said, “Just pick her up, Helena.” She looked at me like I was crazy as she replied in horror, “I’m not picking up a goat!”

Today, as the winter sun warms my office, I’m staring at a photo of Helena and my dog Ruben, taken during Helena’s last visit to my house.

Quickly my mind goes to my last memory of her. It was the day after Ethan’s wedding. Dane and I had slept in Helena’s bedroom while she slept on an inflatable bed in her brother’s room. She was still asleep when Dane and I were ready to drive home. I woke her and she reached up to give me a sleepy hug, saying, “Love you.”

Hugging her back, I said, “Love you, too.”

I’d like to try to keep this image on an automatic loop that I could pull out when the darker ones become too strong.

No Joke!

No Joke!

Two friends and two anxious dogs huddled together during an office improvement project in a tiny home. Just outside the door stood a rotund pig named Louisa, demanding food.

This sounds like the beginning of a joke!

I grabbed one of Dane’s freshly bought oranges and pushed the door open, shoving Louisa back as I tossed it out for her. My plan was to move her away from the door so my friend Bonnie could get to her car and retrieve the shims we needed to brace a tall bookshelf and keep it from falling.

Bonnie was the mastermind of a complex project to create more space in which to lead my online exercise classes. She always thinks Louisa is trying to eat her.

But Louisa wasn’t trying to bite Bonnie. She only knew that Bonnie always brings her yummy leftovers, and she wanted them. But today Bonnie had forgotten them at home. Louisa didn’t know that, so she pursued her, huffing, puffing, and grunting while smashing her snout into the door.

The orange I tossed rolled off the deck and became lodged in a pile of leaves too far under the porch for me to reach or for Louisa to see. By now Louisa was frustrated and furious and seemed to want to eat me!

Meanwhile, Bonnie was taking her time getting out the door, while I squawked, “Get another orange, quick!”

With Louisa so worked up, I couldn’t get on my hands and knees to grab her treat without her mistaking me for a jumbo orange. So I resorted to trying to hide behind the crab apple tree. Bonnie seized this opportunity to gloat, “See, she’s trying to eat you—even you are afraid of her!”

She had a point—at that moment, I was afraid. Louisa had worked herself into a hot frenzy, her wiry black hair standing straight up.

Bonnie wound up and pitched an orange past Louisa, and while the pig chased it down, I got down on my hands, knees, and belly to snatch the first orange from under the deck. Bonnie dashed out and gaily rummaged in her car for the shims.

In the midst of this, Téte, my loving, neurotic hound dog, fearing that the home improvement commotion meant I was going away on a trip, never left my side. Ruben too, concerned that Bonnie was trying to hurt me, stuck to me like a burr.

This wasn’t the only chaos surrounding our two-day project. There was an awful lot of hollering, like when Bonnie was ready to install a gate that would keep my critters from sitting between the camera and me—or on me—during my Zoom classes.

“Where are the directions?”

“There weren’t any.”

“Jane, I saw the box yesterday; where is it?”

“In the basement—I think.”

“You think?”

“It might have gotten thrown out.”

“What?!”

“I figured you knew how to put it up!”

The rest of the day, I was Bonnie’s go-to gal: Get this, do that, over there. Her family’s nickname for her suits her well: Bossy Bonnie.

The following day Bonnie, ignoring my fear of ladders, claustrophobia, and a hurting hip, made me climb up and hold a curtain rod in place, my nose pointing into the closet. Ruben was beside himself (and me) with worry, ears at high alert, eyes wide with empathy.

As I trembled on the highest rung, trying to focus on my breathing, Bonnie stood strong, chest pressed against my back, arms held high, wielding a drill. Sawdust flew as the two petrified dogs hovered nearby. Bonnie was calm and composed as she smashed the loud drill head into my office door frame, creating a gaping hole.

As I climbed down the ladder, Bonnie admired her handiwork. “I had to ask my brother how to do this,” she said.

Finally the project is complete. I’m lying in recovery mode on the couch, Ruben on top of my leg, Téte on the floor as close as she can get. Bonnie asks if she can get me a cold cloth for my head. “Nope, I’m fine,” I say, while she proudly snaps a few pictures to show her brother. The curtain rod is up, but the drapes I ordered to hang on it are 21 inches too short because, as Bonnie reminds me, I didn’t listen to her.

Bonnie is like a kid after three tall glasses of sugary Kool-Aid. Instead of waning, her energy expands and radiates from her every pore. I’m exhausted, mostly from watching her.

“Maybe you need a nap,” she quips, knocking over a bucket of dirty water from washing the walls.

Maybe I do. But I wouldn’t have wanted to miss any part of these last two days.

True, I was excited about the home improvement changes, but more so about spending two full days with a friend. Bonnie can do anything she puts her mind to—no joke. May we all have a Bonnie in our lives, bossy or not.

Sprinkles Included!

Sprinkles Included!

“When I die,” I said to Dane, “I bet someone will say, Thank goodness, there’ll be no more cards with those obnoxious sprinkles inside!”

Dane replied, “Or cards with a wind-up butterfly that zooms out, scaring you to death.”

We were driving home after a quick trip to the post office, where I ran inside and came back out giddy, waving a sheet of red heart stamps and crowing, “This is my third sheet!”

It’s not even the end of January, and I’m on my third pack of Valentine's Day cards. Dane reminds me it’s over three weeks away, but I want to get a head start. I assure him I’ll wait to put them in the mail.

He smiles. I continue: “Remember a few years ago when I decided to send Valentine's Day cards to all the dogs we know?”

Duncan, Mario, Francis, and Honey Buns received cards from Téte, Ruben, and Finnegan that year. It wasn’t until I ran into Honey Buns' human, Lisa, that I knew the idea had failed. Lisa said it had taken her a while to figure out who sent the card. Later I heard the same thing from Francis’s mom.

“Oh well,” I tell Dane, “I thought it was fun!”

Again, Dane smiles. He knows my whims well.

Last year, searching for anything flat that I could tuck into the cards, I decided on designer bandages. Inside, I wrote a ditty: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Happy Valentine's Day, I’m stuck on you! Yesterday Karen mentioned that she still has Band-Aids from one of my cards. I’m glad she’s had no need to use one yet.

A few days ago I found myself once again strolling up and down red-filled aisles, looking for something flat that would fit inside an envelope. There wasn’t much, but I did buy a few packs of teeny tiny sticky notes. They’re adorable and can be tucked nicely inside a card without making the postal clerk suspicious.

I invest a lot of mental energy on figuring out what I can slip into a card without the postal lady saying, “No, Jane, this will cost you a few bucks extra.” I keep a supply of hand warmers, packages of flower seeds, tiny pewter hearts, sheets of stickers, small jewelry cloths, various charms, Band-Aids with cute characters on them, and lots of sprinkles for just this purpose. Cards without a bonus inside the envelope just don’t seem as much fun to me.

Sarah, who opened a card from me while her husband was driving, will tell you differently. Her card contained a wound-up paper butterfly, and apparently she screamed, almost causing her husband to drive off the road. Sheesh, who’d ever think someone would open their mail in the car?

Dane, on the other hand, is always thrilled when I mail cards to him. He enjoys getting something other than bills or advertisements in his mailbox.

Many people seem to despise Valentine's Day, which makes me want to honor it even more. Of course, I think every day is a day for celebrating love, but on Valentine’s Day, it’s on steroids.

According to the story, Pope Gelasius officially established the holiday as the Feast of Saint Valentine in the late fifth century. Saint Valentine is considered to be the patron saint of lovers, people with epilepsy, and beekeepers. Hallmark started mass-producing cards for Valentine’s Day in the early 1900s. 

For me, this holiday is one of the ways I mark the colder months of living in Wisconsin: with dates that are all perfect for card giving.

First there’s Thanksgiving, which warns us to clean up our yards and take our patio furniture inside. Then comes Christmas, and if you haven’t taken in your doormats, they are now permanently frozen to your deck until spring and will make shoveling snow a real pain. Our household always anticipates January 1, as we adore a blank new calendar. Finally, February 14 arrives, and spring is just around the corner!

“There isn’t much to look forward to, in the sense of holidays and card giving, after Valentine's Day,” I gripe to Dane, hinting that a gift certificate for one of his fabulous foot rubs would be welcomed.

Meanwhile, not being able to wait, I’ve mailed out a slew of love cards ahead of schedule. I justified it by only mailing the ones that go to Madison, Milwaukee, Illinois, or beyond, knowing it will take them longer to get there.

In the end, cards are an inexpensive way to brighten someone’s day, keep the post office operating, and celebrate love...sprinkles included!

Wintering Cats

Wintering with Cats

As Dane stumbles over a cat tunnel with a sleeping cat inside, he quips, “It’s a constant fight for survival around here!”

I shrug. Winter is like that.

Our cats have a cushy life (three cat towers, numerous cat houses, a ridiculous number of cat beds, and plenty of toys for us to trip over), but they earn it all in the warmer months by keeping the rodent population down. And judging by the carnage they leave behind and the grisly gifts they leave at our doorstep, they do their job well: mice, shrews, moles, voles...although they never manage to catch a rat.

You're guaranteed a healthy rodent population when you have outdoor animals like donkeys, ducks, geese, goats, and a pig. All that feed, no matter how tightly you think you store it, is like a 7-Eleven neon light saying, “We’re open—come on in!”

Well, we weren’t born yesterday. We realize that sweet and shy Maurice and hide-under-the-bed Salvador aren’t doing their fair share of the work. But what can we do? Fire them? Hold back their pay of endless bowls of kibble with real tuna treats?

I’m afraid not. They have our number: 1-800-Cat-Fool.

Leo the Lion is the most recent addition to our feline family. In hindsight, there was a reason he was alone in a cage at the shelter and kept getting passed over despite being the tiniest kitten there. No one wanted Leo because he'd bite and scratch when the kind volunteer brought him out for a snuggle.

Nevertheless, we welcomed him into our family. We tease that he’s our feral cat living with our house cats inside our home. Loving Leo has taken some work, and we love him, but what a stinker!

Instead of taking bites of food from the enormous bowl on the counter (we can’t have it on the floor or the dogs would each weigh over 200 pounds and we’d be broke), he uses his paws. One paw swipes the food out of the bowl, scattering it on the counter (or on the floor, where the dogs vacuum it up), while the other paw jabs and punches at whatever other cat is trying to eat peacefully.

Leo is fascinating to watch, unless you're one of the other cats. He’s ambidextrous, swift, and cunning. Before Rupert even knows Leo is in the room, Leo pounces, grabs below Rupert’s chin, and then uses both back legs to pummel Rupert, who had been dreaming peacefully until that moment.

Leo is famous for interrupting my online Zoom classes. He starts by affectionately rubbing against me. The students are undoubtedly thinking, “Aww, what a sweetie.” But they can’t see as clearly when Leo, after his fill of sweetness, takes a chunk out of my hand or uses his needle-sharp claws to pierce my inner thigh.

I try hard not to cry out on camera, but sometimes I fail. Owww! My shriek triggers Leo into a pounce reaction. He wraps his wiry body around my arm and attacks my hand with his hind legs, like he does with Rupert’s head, while hanging on to my shin with his sharp teeth.

It’s not only Leo that makes winter here, as Dane would say, dangerous. He regularly steps on a hard plastic ball with bells inside and cracks it, stumbles over (or into) one of the many boxes left on the floor for the cats to play in, or shuts a cat's tail in the door and just about falls over when they screech!

Bedtime for us signals let ‘s-start-playing-time for the felines. While we lie down, adjust covers, get comfortable, and start to read our books, Leo bats around a mouse toy on the floor and chases Rupert up and down the steep staircase, or we hear a loud crash from something they’ve knocked over.

But winter is also the perfect time of year to reflect on why we are cat lovers—even with all the shenanigans we are!

A quick internet search, along with years of experience as cat owners, tells us that cats help reduce stress levels. Some studies even claim petting your cat will lower your blood pressure and reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. It makes sense for all families to have at least one snuggly, lovable cat.

Owning a cat is also said to improve one's sense of purpose, dispel loneliness, and brighten one's mood. I hope everyone reading about these benefits will run to their local shelter and give a cat a home.

Leo the Lion will earn his keep here come springtime. For now, we won’t be adopting any more cats—with seven, the inn here is full.

Saved by Grace

Saved by Grace

It was the first Saturday of the New Year and soon to be my friend’s last. As I headed to the hospital to visit Grace, I remembered one late spring Sunday morning when I’d driven to her house and told her I had a surprise. Without hesitation, she’d gotten into my car and begun guessing the surprise. “Are you taking me to church? Are we going to eat? You didn’t get me a dog or a goat or something, did you?” She was delighted when my surprise turned out to be a group of owlets in Davidson Park.

Now Grace, a friend since I’d begun leading fitness classes in a room at the “vanilla church” in Westby eleven years ago, was ill and not expected to live much longer. It was decided she would stay comfortably in Gundersen Hospital in La Crosse until she died.

At 93, Grace had known for a while that she wouldn’t be around much longer and  lived each day to the fullest. She’d managed to live independently in her home until this final hospital stay, with the help of her son, daughter-in-law, many friends, and lovely neighbors.

Grace had prepared me for her death. She did that by telling me stories about her family and what she told them she’d leave them, like a cookie jar or her recipes. From the stories she shared I knew they weren’t avoiding the fact that Grace was getting older and wouldn’t always be here. Her deep faith and her sense of humor about her inevitable death were always apparent.

On my last visit to her home, there had been significant road construction in front of her house. I couldn’t figure out where to turn to pull into her driveway; it appeared there was no access. After circling her home a few times, I drove over a curb that looked substantial enough to hold the car's weight, and we had a lovely visit. Grace wrote afterward in a card that she’d laughed while watching me leave, praying I wouldn’t blow out a tire.

When I got to the hospital on Saturday, the door was closed. After knocking a few times, I asked a nurse if she knew whether anyone was visiting. The nurse smiled and said she must be one neat lady, as Grace had had a steady stream of visitors since she was admitted. I opened the door and poked my head in.

Grace’s daughter-in-law and two neighbors were there, and they welcomed me. Soon her granddaughter and son, whom I’d heard so much about, arrived. Grace was comfortable but not responsive. Sitting with her, I held her hand and told her how much her friendship meant to me—how much her faith in me meant. She’d been supportive through my hip challenges, my mom and sister's deaths, Dane’s heart attacks, my granddaughter Helena’s death, and more.

I asked her to say hello to Helena for me. Knowing Grace had been praying for my daughter and had put her name on a prayer list at her church had brought me comfort.

I told Grace's family about a letter she wrote me in response to a story in my first book. In the story, I’d said, “I find myself looking up and silently saying thank you. To whom, I’m not sure.” Grace told me it was God and reminded me (again) that He loves me. Her son, Carl, recalled Grace carefully writing me that letter. It was important to her to share her faith with me. He said that her last words, when they told her she’d be staying at Gundersen as she prepared to go to her eternal home, were, “I’m so excited.”

Later that day, a friend messaged me that she’d been visiting Grace, and my name came up. Sarah and I hadn’t realized we had Grace in common as friends! Sarah said that the family told her Grace was always worried about my salvation.

To have someone like Grace in your life is a true blessing. She will be missed by many. But I know she’s already working her miracles and no doubt making Helena laugh with her stories. I hope she tells her about the day we saw the owlets. Helena would like that story.

Partners in Adventure

Partner in Adventure

“Wait, what was that sign—‘Salt Fix’?” I asked.

Sally drove us down 4th Street in La Crosse on our monthly Adventure Date day. Normally, we’d take an invigorating hike, but my hip was giving me grief, and we both were leery of the 4-degree weather with high winds. So I’d decided to visit Mind Altering Tattoos to get my old nose ring exchanged for a shiny new one while Sally was planning to browse at Duluth Trading. That’s when I spotted the sign and was curious.

I googled “Salt Fix, La Crosse” and found the website of Salt Fix Vitality Center, which lists the services it offers.

“Oh, Sally, this is perfect. It was meant to be. We can get our yonis steamed!” Sally laughed and rolled her eyes—she knew me well. I was almost quivering with excitement. Moments before, we were only thinking of shopping and lunch. Now, we were looking forward to something new and intriguing.

This was precisely how our previous month's Adventure Date had gone down. We were headed to The Damn Tasty for lunch when I spied a sign that said “Psychic Readings by Gina.” So, after enjoying our kimchi toast and veggie hash, we went to hear Gina’s interpretations of our auras.

The Salt Fix website said they prefer appointments be made via text. After carefully considering all their options, we chose Ionic Foot Detoxes. I texted, “Do you have room for two foot detox baths today?”

We didn’t get an immediate reply. Meanwhile, the piercing person I wanted at Mind Altering Tattoos wasn’t available. Sally and I ended up at Duluth Trading when Carrie, the owner of Salt Fix, texted back: “I can get you in at 12:30.”

Perfect timing. We’d have lunch afterward.

Immediately upon entering Salt Fix Vitality Center, we knew we had hit the jackpot. Carrie greeted us with her lovely energy and instructed us to remove our shoes and socks and relax. Side by side, we sat in comfortable lounge chairs with our bare feet resting on warm dome salt rocks. Heavenly!

The room was filled with salt treasures—foot domes, lamps, worry stones, and sculptures—and a wandering dog a lady brought in. We noticed they also offer dog services, but this dog was only visiting.

Soon enough, Sally and I were seated on heated three-component energy mats (negative ion, far infrared light, and amethyst crystals) with our feet immersed in tubs of water being charged by the aqua chi machine. Sally thought she was being electrocuted at first because her feet and ankles were tingling. I was disappointed that I didn’t feel the same.

We were each given a glass of Enagic’s specially filtered Kangen Water, and we settled in as Carrie explained how the baths work and told us not to move our feet. Whatever was happening was relaxing as we pictured all the gunk in our bodies coming out through our feet.

While we soaked, Carrie showed us her skin-rejuvenating “magic wand” (a Terahertz Wand that uses infrared frequency and gentle heat). To demonstrate it, she held it over my thumb joint, which usually hurts, and the pain disappeared after about a minute. (As I type this a day later, it still doesn’t hurt. Magic indeed!)

Forty-five minutes later, our foot bath was done. My bathwater looked normal, while Sally’s was murky. Carrie kindly explained that I had been wiggling my feet!

We were given a tour of the Frequency Lounge (a quiet room with various massage options), the infrared sauna and yoni steaming stations, a children’s salt room, and an adult Salt Cave. As we left, I noticed the water in my footbath had settled and was as murky as Sally’s.

Frequency Room

Salt Cave

On our way to the Fork & Fable Crafthouse for a late lunch of appetizers—ahi tuna nachos and roasted Brussels sprouts with whipped feta cheese, roasted grapes, and toasted pecans—we agreed we’d be going back to the Salt Fix Vitality Center someday. Perhaps next time, we’ll steam our yonis and then recline in the Salt Cave.

It’s a gift to have a friend who enjoys spontaneity and trying new things as much as I do!

The Year of the Octopus?

The Year of the Octopus?

Each new year, I enjoy picking out a project, setting an intention, or learning something new. Somehow, in 2022, I landed on the idea that I would try my hand at painting. I told Dane it would be a relaxing endeavor for me. The pandemic was in full swing, and I was searching for something to balance our outdoor time with the pups, my lavender Epsom salt bath obsession, and studying for an online course.

I decided I’d complete a Canvas by Numbers. I’d been seeing them advertised, noticing pictures of friends who had completed them, and they seemed a sure bet. Anyone could paint with the help of numbers! I imagined myself sitting in a meditative trance, inhaling while dipping my brush in the paint, followed by a long soft exhale with a well-placed stroke.

Scouring the Canvas by Numbers website, I looked for an easy painting that I would find joy in completing. I looked at coastal scenes and quiet cottages, rowboats, Venetian canals, and lilies and tulips, but I wasn’t finding anything that appealed to me.

Until I stumbled upon an octopus!

I placed my order, and as I eagerly awaited its delivery, I considered where I’d hang my masterpiece. Dane happened to be over when the package arrived. I tore open the box—and screeched when I saw the canvas.

As Dane smiled knowingly, I yelped, “This isn’t relaxing,” as I stared down at a thousand itty-bitty spaces with faint minuscule numbers my naked eye couldn’t read.

I’d never have the patience. What was I thinking?

Hence the octopus box, as I would come to refer to it, stayed under my bed until a recent major house cleaning. I tried gifting it to friends, with no luck. The complexity of the painting is staggering.

Earlier during the pandemic, I’d watched in fascination as friends knitted their first scarves, made collages from old magazines, and designed intricate fairy gardens with working waterfalls. Everyone seemed to be reaching a new level of creativity, and I wondered what practice I could take up.

Then I remembered learning how to make Ojos de Dios, “God’s Eyes,” in Girl Scouts. It’s an easy project of simply crossing two sticks and methodically wrapping yarn under and over them to form a colorful diamond pattern. It’s a mindful, calming practice for anxious times.

So I collected sticks from the yard for Dane and me and took out an old box of yarn balls collected over the years. I can still picture Dane sitting on the edge of the bed with an angelic smile, holding his crossed sticks and focusing. We were both pleased with the results but never quite knew what to do with the finished products!

The Canvas by Numbers was supposed to be a step up in creativity. But now, three years later, it’s only a box taking up space and collecting dust.

My focus for 2024 didn’t include a creative practice. It involved studying for exams I needed to take for my chosen career, but I also had a fun intention of not purchasing a single bottle of shampoo for 12 months—something I’d bought way too much of in response to sales. At year-end, I’ve passed the exams, and I still have more than half a bottle of shampoo left. Call me simple, but that little success thrills me.

Soon, the calendar will read 2025, and in my latest big cleaning project, besides the octopus box, I also discovered a box of unopened toothbrushes and over five new tubes of toothpaste. (My thrifty personality took over whenever I noticed a sale.) So now I’m committed to not buying more toothpaste in the new year and changing out my toothbrush on the first of every month. But that seems too easy—there needs to be more.

Looking back, the God's Eyes were precisely the balancing act Dane and I needed at the time: a soothing and quiet time of reflection while crafting. Will 2025 finally be the year of the octopus? Will it be the year I work on my patience?

Holiday Check-in

Holiday Check-in

Hi Jane, I'm leaving town for a couple of weeks for some alone-thinking time…. Thanks so much for your friendship and support over the past year. Wishing you and your family a peaceful and serene holiday and new year. Take care. Peace, Jeff

When Jeff’s email appeared in my mailbox, I went into red alert mode. Jeff had recently lost his life partner. I worried his message was a cry for help—or worse, a suicide note. I didn’t know where he was going or when he’d return, and to my sensitive ears his message sounded like a goodbye. I knew I needed to reach out and make sure he was okay. In this holiday season, depression from grief is at a high.

Hi Jeff, I'm glad you're caring for yourself and getting what you need. But I also want to make sure you're okay. Are you? Do you have a place to stay? Sending you love and warm wishes, Jane

I decided to contact his son too. I’d been meaning to check in with Jon anyway, as he’d been sick and recently canceled our lunch date.

Hi Jon, Are you feeling better? I sure hope so. I still would like to get together, if you're not too busy. How's your dad doing? This morning, he sent a heartfelt email saying he's going away for some alone time. I worry. The holidays are challenging. With care, Jane

An answer came later that day from Jon:

Hi Jane, I am better. Thanks for checking! Yeah, my dad is sad. However, I know he’s looking forward to his trip to Italy. He’ll be in Assisi, a great place for contemplation. I think it’s what he needs this holiday. My son Paul will take him to the airport, which is super nice for both of them.

I would like to meet up with you as well—I'll email you later in the week with some possible times. Thanks again for checking in. I’m thinking of you and your loss as well.

Soon after, I received a response from Jeff:

Hi Jane, I think I'm fine, no problem. I’m going to one of our family’s favorite places where we took the kids years ago: Assisi, Italy, home of Francis of Assisi, great champion for peace and all of nature. I thought it would be a place to get some grounding. Appreciate your concern. Will be thinking of you and your family and the tough year you also have had.

Italy! Well, why didn’t he say so in the first place? Saint Francis?! I love Saint Francis! I realized I’d made a big mistake, so I sent off apologies.

Dear Jeff, Have a great time! Sorry about asking, but you didn't say Italy and I'm sensitive to grief. I wanted to be sure you were okay, with no worries of self-harm. I apologize. I guess I'd rather be a fool than have someone reaching out and ignore them. xxoooo

Dear Jon, Sorry. I didn't want to miss someone reaching out for help. He only said going away—and thanked me for caring. I'm a goof!

Now everyone was apologizing—first Jeff:

Hi Jane, no problem. I should be more forthcoming. It’s a special place to think about Francis, who sought peace and cared for the poorest of the poor and those neglected by society. People from all faiths and beliefs go there because he showed everyone how to live with kindness and compassion. Jane, fool you are not! You just care for others.

And then Jon:

You are NOT a goof! I appreciate that you care.

Still unable to leave it alone, I found it necessary to gush about my relationship with Saint Francis:

Saint Francis is my favorite saint. I feel so close to him that I call him Frank! All my dogs have had his medal on their collars, but they eventually fell off. I also have a statue of him in my front yard. Enjoy every minute of your trip. May the memories be loving and may new ones be made.

Moral of the story: Check in with your neighbors, family, and friends. Don’t be afraid of being obnoxious. If they know you care and all is well, they’ll thank you. If all is not well, you might have saved a life.

I’ll Be a Monkey’s Uncle

“When I grow up, I’m gonna be a great chump...er, chimp!” —Chester O’Chimp

When reflecting on childhood Christmases, I fondly remember Chester O’Chimp.

I was six years old, and I can only imagine how my longing for him drove my family crazy. I asked for him first in my annual letter to Santa, and then again in person as I sat on Santa’s lap in a big old sleigh. One of the annual Christmas traditions in Hales Corners, where we lived, was Santa coming to town. His sleigh was gigantic and filled with gifts, but sadly, there were never any reindeer.

Santa’s sleigh would be parked at the end of a row of stores in front of Gerrene’s, a women’s clothing store my mom would occasionally drag me through. Christmas music would play, the stores would all be open, and holiday lights and wreaths made the scene festive and fun.

In a lucky year, Mom would first take me to Harmony Restaurant, where we’d sit at the counter. I’d drive her mad by swiveling around on the padded stool till my head spun, and Mom was afraid I’d fly off.

I’d order a grilled cheese on white bread with orange cheese and chocolate milk. I hated it when they’d trick me with white cheese or a darker bread. Mom would always get coffee, and I’m not sure what else.

That year, I could barely wait for Santa to ask me what I wanted for Christmas. But first, they had to take a picture, and then he asked me if I’d been a good girl for my parents. I hoped Mom wasn’t listening as I answered, “Yes!” Then I asked for Chester O’Chimp, making it clear he was all I needed.

My older siblings, Jack and Jill, told me there weren’t any Chesters left and that I wouldn’t get one. Of course, I cried and carried on, as they no doubt hoped I would. But on Christmas morning, a box with Chester inside was under the tree!

The best part about Chester was that he could talk. I’d pull the string over and over again to hear him say, “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle... Oh, I am!” After that, whenever my Dad started to say, “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” Jack, Jill, and I would say in unison, “Oh, you are!”

One of Chester’s sayings was, “Ah, it’s marvelous, it tis...how we look so much alike!” Jack and Jill would mimic him but change it a little: “It’s marvelous, isn’t it, how much Janie and Chester look alike?” Another of Chester’s sentences was, “I'm just a little chimp, diddle, diddle, dum.” Of course, Jack and Jill changed that, too: “I’m just a little chimp, dumb, dumb, dumb.” This would make me furious, and I’d adamantly defend Chester: “He’s not dumb. You are.” Then I’d be sent to my room.

Chester never left my side, and eventually, I pulled his string so many times that it broke, silencing him. No one in the family seemed anxious to try to fix him.

Chester also had hands you could mold, and I molded his hand to fit perfectly in mine. I’d drag him around the stores like my Mom dragged me. Chester was my first stuffed best friend.

Other favorite gifts throughout the years were an Easy-Bake Oven (my dad would eat everything I baked), a drum set (that drove my mom crazy), and the boxer pup Dad brought home one year, whom we named Nicky (for St. Nick).

In recent years, Christmas has become a low-key event, with no tree and little fanfare. Dane and I attend Mass on Christmas Eve at St. Philip’s Church in Rolling Ground, where my friend Bonnie and her daughter, Lindsey, sing like angels in the choir. Afterward, back home with the critters, we exchange simple gifts.

My days of longing for Chester O’Chimp are gone, but the memories remain—and I’ve forgiven Jack and Jill for being so obnoxious. Now I wish Mom was alive to hear me say, “Yes, I’ve been a good girl.” I’d love to sit at the counter at the old Harmony Restaurant with her and have my grilled cheese sandwich just the way I like it, with a glass of chocolate milk!

I’d bring Chester along, plop him on a stool, and give him a few quick turns before I pulled his string to hear him say again, “Don't just feed me bananas. I like people food.”

For the Price of Eggs

For the Price of Eggs

Lordy, there’s nothing better than Thanksgiving Day leftovers, even for the third day in a row.

My daughter Jessica’s holiday table included homemade offerings from each of her relatives: sweet potato casserole from her son, Ethan; pear and pomegranate salad from his wife, Natalie; real mashed potatoes from Brad’s mom, Keri; and even peanut butter stuffing from Missy, Brad’s sister-in-law. Kate, Brad’s aunt, brought pumpkin pie, Dane made his famous apple pies, and I offered an assortment of sourdough breads (cranberry-walnut was the favorite) and a big batch of my friend Sara's melt-in-your-mouth cookies. Jessica and Brad took care of the turkey and drinks.

There was enough food and variety to feed a small army. Hence, the massive Tupperware container that Jessica graciously filled for Dane and me to take home.

But Dane didn’t eat any of the leftovers. The next morning, he started his new job at the Viroqua Food Co-op. He called during his break to say he had scored a tasty free fish and rice dish that filled him up. He was thrilled to discover the employee table where food that didn’t sell as expected or is reaching the end of its shelf life is free for the taking.

His appreciation of free food and my enjoyment of leftovers might make you think we’re cheap, broke, or even beggars. We’re not. However, with the rising cost of groceries—which will get worse if President-elect Trump follows through on various threats—we are being cautious.

When asked why they voted for the convicted criminal, many people blamed the price of eggs! But the rising price of eggs was due to the outbreak of avian influenza (bird flu), which had a significant impact on the egg-laying chicken and duck population. Sick chickens and flocks being slaughtered to prevent the spread of the disease resulted in fewer fowl and, therefore, fewer eggs. The resultant shift in supply and demand, a concept we all learned in high school, drove the cost higher.

Thankfully, my healthy flock gave me huge, rich, delicious duck and goose eggs, so the higher prices didn’t affect me.

But now, the bird flu is infecting mammals. At this writing, the USDA has confirmed infected cattle in 320 dairy herds in 14 states. There are also confirmed instances (only two in the U.S.) of this flu affecting humans. While the USDA and CDC watch carefully, you can bet your bottom dollar at the grocery casino that eggs, dairy, and meat prices won’t be coming down anytime soon, regardless of who’s in the White House.

I had just finished eating what was left of Jessica’s meal when an enormous bag of leftovers from my friend Kristina's Thanksgiving dinner magically appeared on my porch, hanging from a hook. Kristina knew my goats would climb to eat anything edible, so she hung it out of their reach. Thus, I enjoyed potatoes, stuffing, and even prime rib on day four!

Dane called to say he’d gotten a sandwich from the free table and to brag about his free hot chocolate. It turns out that when he works weekends, he can have a complimentary coffee or hot chocolate. They sure know how to win Dane over! At this rate, he’ll never need to pack a lunch.

Meanwhile, I haven’t had to go grocery shopping for over a week.

After COVID, we braced ourselves for the high prices that soon followed. After all, producers had to try to recoup their losses. It’s not something the president has control over; that’s not how it works.

Not many others, including myself, fear that some of Trump’s 41 first-day-in-office promises (which won him many votes) will make our groceries even more expensive.

Trump has promised the largest mass deportation ever. But about 750,000 unauthorized immigrants hold jobs in industries that produce and distribute food. Undocumented immigrants work the hard, backbreaking, low-paying jobs that many of us won’t—jobs that bring us our food. When enjoying the Thanksgiving Day leftovers, I was painfully aware of who picked the apples for the pie, worked dairy for the butter and milk for our potatoes, and labored in meatpacking plants to produce our turkey.

Mass deportation will lead to higher grocery prices and longer-lasting increases as the agriculture system collapses. Add to that the proposed 25% tariff on imports from Mexico, our largest supplier of imported fruits and vegetables.

I’m thankful to still be dining well on Turkey Day leftovers while Dane looks forward each day to what goodies will appear on the “scratch and dent” table. But I think he and I are luckier than most.

We get what we vote for. And while the price of eggs may decrease someday, we all may need to watch our wallets even more closely, be grateful for friends and leftovers, and ready to share what we have.

Some Days Are Like That

Some Days Are Like That

I was standing at the counter at the Commons in Viroqua, watching the gals prepare my two orders of pork tantanmen ramen noodles, when Jean walked up. I turned to greet her just as she was saying, “How are you, Jane?” I could feel the concern in her expression.

Instantly, my eyes started to water as I choked out, "Oh, some days are better than others." Jean apologized for making me cry, but I assured her I appreciated her heartfelt concern. Especially when she added, “I don't even know what to say, but I can listen.”

I shared with her my worry that the upcoming holidays would be hard on my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson and on me as well. Ordinary days are bad enough. Jessica recently told me, “Every day is a bad day.” On her refrigerator whiteboard, she wrote her hope to “One day—have a good day!”

Jean offered me a hug, and I gladly accepted. Then her food arrived, and she left. As I stood waiting for mine, Renae approached and said, “Hi, Jane, how's it going?” Already feeling emotional, I started crying again. She touched my arm, gently drew me aside for privacy, and asked what was happening. I told her about my granddaughter Helena’s death and our ongoing grief. A few minutes later, as I held my warm bag of food, she walked me to the door, hugged me, and whispered, “I'll pray for your daughter and family.”

I reached the car, shut the door, and sobbed most of the way home.

Some days are like that. Grief doesn’t go away—it’s an ongoing feeling. Sure, it will lessen over time, but the surviving parent, sibling, spouse, or grandparent will always feel that loss, that gaping hole.

I recently spoke at a Three Rivers Unitarian Universalist Sunday service and read an essay I’d written after Helena's death, talking about how children should not die before their parents, and how sometimes bad things happen to good people. Afterward, someone asked me how I had managed to "keep it together" that morning when I spoke about Helena. I answered that my purpose was to try to touch our community through words. I hoped each person there found something they could take home with them, pull out when needed, and reflect on it.

When Brad, my son-in-law, called the morning of the summer solstice to tell me Helena had been killed, it didn't occur to me then to fall apart. How could I? My concern, my entire focus, was to get to Jessica and be there for her. Falling apart could happen later—in the bathtub, in the car, or, like yesterday, in the lunch line.

Grief doesn’t care what we’re doing when it comes knocking because it’s always lurking. When someone shows concern, I get emotional. It’s a relief to let grief out. You can’t go wrong with offering a grieving person kindness and comfort.

By contrast, I recently spent an afternoon with people who knew about Helena’s death, although I hadn’t seen them in the months since it happened. None of them asked how my daughter was doing or how I was doing, or showed any empathy. I don’t know why they chose not to ask, but it felt like pretending this horrible thing hadn't happened—or worse, that it was a shameful or embarrassing topic.

But it did happen, and a life in my family is gone. Just because I’m not wearing an armband doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten our loss.

I understand it's not easy to talk about loss, but it's an essential part of healing.

Everything changes when someone in your family dies, whether the death is expected or not. You are looking at life through eyes altered by sorrow, and feeling life through a heart that has become more tender and open. It's an experience we all have at some point. We can use it to connect us instead of isolating people who are grieving.

Driving home teary that day, my mind returned to Jean. Her concern was welcome, it’s vital for people who have experienced such a massive life change. Having your grief acknowledged and hearing someone speak your loved one’s name is a relief. In this simple way, we can play a crucial role in the healing process of our friends and community.

Grieving people often walk around like zombies, and when we're asked how it's going today, it's like all the stale air from the pent-up pain inside us comes rushing out, sometimes with tears. Please don't let that stop you from reaching out—because some days are just like that.

Thanks Giving

Pumpkins of all sizes

Mashed potatoes and gravy

Hugs from Grandpa and Grandma

Whipped cream

A handprint made into a colorful fat turkey.

Books showing pilgrims, boats, and Native Americans.

Snoopy flying high over Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Butter!

Tablecloth

Family

Prayers

Gratitude

Turkey

Cranberries

Wishbone

A table rich with turkey and all the fixings.

People with full bellies lounging in the living room, watching a football game.

Creamy pumpkin pie

Gooey pecan pie

Sweet apple pie

Crisp autumn weather

A warm, tiny, one-room cabin filled with books and candlelight.

Bundling up with my sweetie and going for a snow walk, hand in hand.

Concentrating over a game of Rummikub.

Images of Thanksgiving Days past and present—grade school, elementary school, as a teenager, and as an adult—shift through my mind like sand through a child's hands. Each memory carries something different: warmth, loneliness, worry, kindness, grief, love.

As a child, Thanksgiving Day was simple, filled with pilgrim hats made of newspaper and hands full of paint from making the traditional handprint turkeys. But as the years stack up and my mind expands with history, Thanksgiving changes. Nothing seems to stay the same.

Family dynamics change. People move or take jobs that make them unable to attend a family gathering. Other people die.

So it’s best if I break it down into thanks and giving. This Thursday I’ll be saying thank you for many things, as I give my time, energy, and love to my family.

Pet-napped!

Pet-napped!

Oh, no, the big blue cooler. This is bad, really bad. Papa’s filling it up with food from the refrigerator. That means they’re going to leave again.

Hey, wait—there goes my bed. Why is Papa taking my bed outside? I prop my front legs on the desk in the bay window to look outside, but I can’t quite see where Papa went.

My sibs, Ruben and Finnegan, haven’t noticed what’s going on. Finnegan is all curled up on his gray puff pillow, sound asleep. Ruben was upstairs on Mama’s bed and didn’t see Papa grab my bed and walk right past him.

Mama is rushing around packing her bags, vacuuming, and piling things up near the door for Papa to take out to the car.

I hate it when they leave.

Wait, what’s going on now? Papa just got out my leash. Are we going for a walk? Yay, they aren’t leaving—probably just going to the dump, and after that we’ll get a long walk. I love walks!

Papa brings me outside. But where are Finn and Ruben? We all go for walks together. Stick with the script, Papa, you’re making me nervous.

Papa opens the car door and there’s my bed. My bed, in the car?!

Mama sashays out the door, all happy-like, and climbs in, and Papa drives us away. I sit and look out the window, waiting for Finn and Ruben to come chase us down, but of course, they’re totally unaware that I’ve been singled out, taken away, pet-napped!

It must be vet day. Argh, I hate going to the vet—and besides, Mama and Papa just took me last weekend to have my rump poked three times by the nice vet lady. I heard her say I’m all up to date now on my shots.

I bark to get Papa to roll down my window. I stick my head out but can’t quite smell where we’re at. The wind and rain make me pop my head back in, and Papa rolls up the window. Not good, I feel trapped—I bark again. With the window open once more, I stick my head out and look both ways but still can’t recognize the smell or the scenery. This is not the way to the vet, that's for sure.

I sigh in relief and want to lie down, but not on my bed. Why is it in the car? I can’t sleep when I don’t know what’s going on, so I get up again and bark, and Papa opens the window a crack.

He and Mama laugh, and she says, “It’s going to be a long ride, with Téte barking, the window opening and closing, and all this rain.”

When the wind starts to sting my eyes and my head is nice and wet, I try to lie down again. I wander over and touch my bed but I’m still suspicious—it might be a trap. So back to the window I go and let out my sharpest bark. It startles Papa, and the car veers.

I put my head out and holy cow, snow! And lots of it. Papa slows down, Mama smells scared, and Papa asks me to please sit down and stop my bloody barking because he needs to focus.

So I sit—for a whole 10 seconds. Then I bark like crazy until Papa pries one hand off the wheel and opens my window again.

Whoa Nelly, it’s like Mama’s snow globe out there. Big flakes are falling, the car is swerving, and I think I hear Papa swear. Mama has her eyes closed. Is she praying?

Hours pass. Papa stops at a gas station and they both go inside to pee. Do they consider that I might have to pee too? Nope. But Papa did buy me a cheese stick! I love cheese.

After what feels like a two-day car ride (and Papa says it felt like opening and closing the window for two days straight), the car stops at a huge house made of wood and rocks. It smells familiar. Hey, I know this place—I’ve been here before.

It was about five years ago, the last time Mama and Papa pet-napped me. I remember they said it was a special vacation for just them and me. But after a few walks and a good smell of the place, I wanted to go home. Now they’ve brought me here again.

Maybe staying home when Papa and Mama go on their trips isn’t so bad. I’m a homebody at heart, who doesn't like to be pet-napped.

Vacation Bonus

Bonus Vacation

It’s well past dinnertime as we’re driving home from Washington Island. We want to break up the long drive by staying at a mom-and-pop motel halfway between the island and home, but so far we’re striking out.

Town after small town, there’s either no mom-and-pop or only one that appears unfit for even a one-nighter. Our bellies grumble as I point out bars that might serve food, a Chinese restaurant on a corner that appears to be closed, and a few horrid fast-food joints.

At last, in Berlin, I notice a full parking lot and an inviting-looking awning. I assume it’s a good restaurant because of all the cars. Dane is skeptical, as usual, but I convince him we need to eat, and his aching stomach convinces him to pull in.

It’s a restaurant and bar called Jeff’s on the Square, and the waitress, Jeff’s wife, proudly tells us they’re celebrating their 10th year. She says all their food is home-cooked by her husband, and tonight's special is beef or chicken stir fry.

We love finding gems like this.

Soon she brings us two huge plates loaded with veggies and chicken. We can barely eat it all, but then she suggests dessert: her homemade apple pie, a hit with the locals.

On Google we find a place to stay in Oxford: the Crossroads Motel, 45 minutes away via dark country roads. It’s wonderful. There are tables with brilliant yellow mum plants in front of all the windows, and each door is painted a different color. Our room is clean and the king-sized bed takes up most of it. We hop in bed and fall asleep just minutes before midnight.

Imagine our surprise in the morning when a map search shows us that we’re only 90 minutes from home! Now we have extra time to play around.

Lying in bed making plans, we jinx each other by saying, “Maggie Mae’s.”

Maggie was a real Nashville treasure, known for her yodeling style, who grew up in Oxford. We never made it to Maggie Mae’s Cafe when she was alive. It was always on our list, but whenever we were in Oxford, Maggie was in Nashville. As we settle into the booth, we imagine how exciting it would have been to see her perform there, as she often did when home in Oxford.

Now that we’re so close to home, and knowing our critter sitter is at my house until noon, we have time to hike a few miles. I decide on the Witches Gulch and Chapel Gorge Trails.

We’re cruising down Highway 23, the sun is bright, and we’re ready for a good hike when... “Stop!” Harvest Market bent and dent is always worth a visit, and today the parking lot is full. Grabbing a cart, we start up one aisle and down the next. I take every 40-cent can of Fancy Feast for my youngest kitty, Leo, while Dane grabs the non-paté kind for his elderly cat Spiky.

Bananas are 15 cents a pound, so I tell the clerk I’ll take them all. She reserves one bunch for a woman who comes in for bananas every week.

Next I grab the two bags of Iams dog food that are left. Dane, carefully scanning the shelves, is thrilled with his finds; Better Oats Organic Bare oatmeal and Folgers coffee are a couple of his favorites.

Not many bent and dent stores have a coffee shop and bistro. The fall special is tempting—pumpkin spice something or other—but I need both hands free for the shopping spree!

After loading up the car with our savings, we make it to the Chapel Gorge Trail in mere minutes. The wide trail is covered with pine needles and offers a lovely view of the Wisconsin River.

Next, we hop in the car and type “Witches Gulch” into the map app. I call out the directions and Dane does the driving. We keep ending up at a locked gate, so we wind down another nearby road but still can’t find the trailhead. We start over and the map again brings us to the locked gate.

After doing this three times, I see a lady and ask her where Witches Gulch is. She tells us it’s only accessible on the Wisconsin Dells Boat Tour. I’m disappointed, but Dane is relieved that we can now head home, and the lady is annoyed because, she says, at least 30 cars a day pull up to her place and ask the same question.

As we finally turn onto my road, we’re excited to see the dogs, who we know missed us. We feel lucky to have had an extra, unplanned bit of vacation.

Embracing the Hard Stuff

Embracing the Hard Stuff

A card was forwarded to me recently from the Crawford County Independent and Kickapoo Scout's office. It’s not unusual to receive mail in response to my weekly column. What was unusual was the six-page handwritten letter inside.

But before I could read it, the dogs started barking, alerting me to a visitor. Joyce had arrived with treats for my critters: apples from her orchard and excess zucchini and squash from her garden. After sharing a hug and unloading her truck, we started talking about grief.

Joyce still grieves the loss of her mom years ago. Her mom was a smart, active lady and an avid reader. After her stroke, it was hard for Joyce to watch her mom struggle with the simplest of tasks. Joyce wonders if she’ll ever get over this loss.

Later, my neighbor Mary confided that a dear friend had expressed anger at her for “not being there” for him after his wife of 60 years died. He’d felt abandoned by her not reaching out more often.

I nodded. “I get that. I’ve felt the same way.”

At my dad’s funeral, we received condolences and stories about my dad from his friends' perspectives as they came through the receiving line. I kept hoping to see one of my own friends there. I desperately needed acknowledgment of my grief from someone who knew me, but none came.

In my pain, I completely disengaged from those friends. Years later, I told them how not seeing them at my dad’s funeral had hurt. A few claimed they’d been there but didn’t feel they belonged in that line.

I’ve done that too. When an acquaintance’s husband died, I felt awful for her and her two young children, yet I ended up not attending the funeral. I convinced myself I didn’t know her well enough. Instead, I made her a concrete plaque for her garden. It still sits in my front yard. I didn’t feel I knew her well enough to give it to her.

A few years ago another friend died from cancer. I’d visited her, called her, and even worked with her on a project during her treatments. But I felt the funeral was only for her family and close friends. Again, I didn’t attend.

Often people reach out in the first couple of weeks after a death, but they stop about when the shock of that death has worn off. This can leave the grieving person feeling alone.

Recently, a younger friend who’s grieving the death of her grandpa and the loss of her grandmother to Alzheimer’s recommended a podcast to me, a series called All There Is, with Anderson Cooper. She told me, “He created it after the loss of his mother when he realized how loss and grief seem to be taboo in society, even though they’re among the most universal experiences.”

I feel we need to learn to respect grief, to reach out and support others who are experiencing grief, and not try to sweep away or ignore those emotions but instead honor them.

Yesterday my daughter, Jessica, explained to me that “trying to act normal” takes all her energy. After her daughter, Helena, died, Jessica began working at a new job where she hadn’t shared her tragedy. On day two, a new coworker asked, “Do you have children?” When Jessica answered yes, the woman asked, “How many?”

Even a normal question like this can send a newly bereaved parent into a tailspin. Jessica tells me Helena is on her mind from the moment she wakes up until she goes to sleep. She knows there will always be a gaping hole in her life.

And, like Joyce with her mom, me with my dad, and my young friend with her grandparents, Jessica isn’t focused on “getting over it” or “moving forward.” Grief is exhausting. Her focus is on surviving each day, knowing she’ll never see her precious child again.

When I finally read the letter the newspaper had forwarded that day, I nearly wept. The sender acknowledged the loss of my granddaughter and also thanked me for writing about “the hard stuff.”

She had suffered the loss of her best friend when she was only 24. When her dad died some years ago, she found a grief group helpful. She encouraged me to keep writing, keep sharing, and not be ashamed of my pain.

I’m not ashamed, and I will keep writing about the hard stuff. I’m in no hurry to push grief away or to move forward. Instead of pushing through grief, I'm working on embracing it—in myself and in others.

One Year in a Lifetime

One Year in a Lifetime

The leaves were shades of green, yellow, orange, and red, many still clinging to the trees. Occasionally a crisp yellow leaf would float past and land on the road, getting the dogs' attention.

We were walking the dogs up the steep end of Elk Run Road when Dane handed me a heart-shaped rock. He’d been away three days in northern Wisconsin, searching for spongy moth egg masses, when he found the rock and tucked it in his pocket to give me when he got home.

The red rock fit perfectly in my palm. Smiling, I thanked him, put it in my pocket, and we kept walking—me with one hand in my pocket on the rock. It was still warm from Dane’s hand..

Not until later that day, when Dane had been transferred by ambulance to Gunderson Hospital, did we realize it was Friday the 13th. A week later, the stoic cardiologist, upon signing Dane’s release papers from the hospital, stated flatly, “We don’t see people going home with Dane’s diagnosis and his subsequent cardiac arrests and heart attack.”

Dane’s recovery has been a combination of his determination and hard work.

With baby steps, hunched over his walker, he took the timed “walk test,” administered before starting cardiac rehab. My heart plummeted as I watched while giving gentle encouragement. He shuffled past—he’d move one foot, then slide his other foot forward, and awkwardly push the walker forward a few inches.

Soon enough though, the walker stayed in the car when I dropped him off at the hospital entrance. He began counting down how many days he had left in rehab. Not that he wanted it to be over—he didn't, because it gave him a sense of confidence and hope. But he was determined to get his driver’s license reinstated before May so he could then go back to his job as a spongy moth trapper.

As early as November, we’d try walking up the hill where he had stopped that day because of chest pain. He’d mark the spot where he turned around and try to go further the next day. Some days he made a little more progress.

Then one day, taking breaks to catch his breath, he reached the top!

Dane’s next goal was December 18, his 71st birthday, when his driver’s license would expire. He repeatedly stressed about getting to the DMV, knowing that without his license he wouldn’t be able to return to work. He wasn’t allowed to drive for at least six months after his heart episodes, so I drove him to the Viroqua DMV office. The form asked if he had ever lost consciousness in the past year. He had—at least three times—and asked me what he should do. I answered, “Do what’s right.”

He was crushed when his license wasn’t renewed. He climbed back into the car, looking defeated, and stated, “I can’t do this anymore.”

But he didn’t give up.

Three times a week, Dane went to rehab, missing a session only when he had another procedure to put in more stents and once to get a defibrillator implanted. Between home visits from a nurse, appointments with his cardiologist in La Crosse, and his rehab sessions, he started adding my Sit, Stand, Stretch fitness class on his non-rehab days.

Dane was committed to gaining his endurance and strength back. He started his fitness classes with no weights, increased to 2 pounds, then 3, and graduated to 5-pound weights. Again, like with his rehab and walking, he didn’t miss a class.

Nowadays, Dane eats a salad loaded with vegetables and fruit daily. His cardiologist advised that increasing intake of both of those makes a huge difference in heart health. He no longer salts his food before tasting it and rarely afterwards. Sodas are rare, as is eating red meat, and he avoids processed food. He still indulges in an occasional sweet treat, but gone are his daily donuts!

In the past several months, he’s managed to get his driver’s license back, start work on time in May, and consistently walk a minimum of two miles a day. He looks forward to getting back to his fitness classes when his seasonal job ends for the year.

We’re on Rock Island, walking on a bed of smooth white rocks on a narrow point jutting into Lake Michigan. The sun is bright and there’s hardly a cloud in the sky. It’s unseasonably warm and we’re taking a break from our camp host duties.

As we walk, we scan the ground for interesting rocks while reminiscing that in only a few days it’ll be a year since the day we were walking up the road and Dane's life changed—our lives changed.

Suddenly, Dane reaches down and picks up a perfectly white, heart-shaped rock, smiles, and hands it to me.

Dear Diary

Saturday, October 5

Dear Diary,

Morning — Opened the boathouse, got paper supplies (stored in a shed where mice won't destroy

them), and started cleaning bathrooms. Lots of mouse poop, but only a few mice. Swept boathouse,

more mice in there. Stinks!

Had a quick breakfast and greeted the 10:00 a.m. Karfi. Asked every camper how they’re doing. Some

are okay; others are leaving because of mice. Ranger Brian pulled up. Mice were jumping out of the

trash bags in the red wagon on the back of his UTV. He said northwest gale winds are expected

tomorrow and if so, the Karfi won’t be coming in. He’ll let us know when he’s certain.

Noon — Talked to campers who were heading out. Had them put their gear on the dock to be loaded.

Greeted the noon boat and answered all the day trippers' questions. Talked to newly arriving campers

about mice and what they could do to cope with them.

Ranger Brian and boat captain confirmed no boats will run tomorrow, Sunday. Must notify all campers:

they must leave today or stay until Monday. No one will be able to leave tomorrow even if the mice are

too much for them.

Dane and I took off on the UTV to inform campers. Many were already planning on leaving; some

have to work on Monday; and many couldn’t be found as they were hiking and not at their campsites.

Dane dropped me off and I started packing up the cabin and cleaning. He went to the boathouse to

count monies from the week's merchandise and wood sales and prepare the final deposit. We’ll take the

last ferry out today. We have a reservation at Sunrise Cabin on Washington Island Sunday night; not

sure what we’ll do tonight.

1 p.m. — In between greeting boats, cleaning, answering questions, and finding the missing campers,

we learned the docents at the lighthouse needed to be picked up. Dane finished the money, took our

garbage out, and hightailed it to the lighthouse to fetch them. I returned to packing, sweeping, and

mopping.

2 p.m. — Ran back to meet the 2 p.m. boat. Too many people wanting to board, and day trippers

worrying they’ll be left behind and have to wait until the last boat at 4 p.m. But after dropping off a full

boat of campers, the captain made a second run to pick up the day trippers. Dane pulled up to the dock

just in time with the docents, so they were able to load up too and get off the island.

Dane had to refund campers for the wood they'd bought but didn’t have a chance to use. Then he joined

me at the cabin to help clean the gas stove and refrigerator, and heat water to wash the dishes.

I packed the cooler, stripped the sheets, and stuffed them in our dry bag along with our clothes. Dane

loaded the UTV, took our gear to the dock, and came back to pick me up as I was finishing mopping

the floor.

4 p.m. — With just minutes to spare, we joined campers and day visitors at the dock for the last boat

off the island till Monday. Surprisingly, two campers arrived on that boat, knowing they’d have to stay

until Monday and there’d likely be no wood sales.

All gear got loaded onto the boat, then the departing campers, the day visitors, and lastly, Dane and I.

When we finally sat down, we looked at each other and high-fived.

As the boat pulled out, we waved goodbye to Rock Island and all its mice. We hope the island has a

cold, cold winter.

Sunday, October 6

Dear Diary,

We woke this morning after a restful sleep at Sunrise Cabin on Washington Island. True to its name, the

sunrise was spectacular. We were glad that Gabrielle, one of the owners, was able to let us get in one

day early.

After breakfast, we biked to the dock where the Karfi sat. We wanted to see the northwest winds and

waves that prevented it from sailing. But from that vantage the lake looked calm.

Later this evening, we watched a video on Facebook made by a couple still on Rock. The waves were

crashing over the pier in front of the boathouse with alarming force. Anyone trying to stand there, let

alone load and unload a boat, would have been swept into the roiling surf.

We spent the day biking and hiking (mice free!), feeling grateful that the boat captain and the ranger

were skilled at making that kind of call. We’re hopeful the DNR will be as skilled on how to handle the

mouse infestation.

A Week on Mouse Island

A Week on Mouse Island

“Do you have any chips for sale?”

Standing behind the gift shop’s counter, I smiled and showed her the plastic tote of assorted chips. The woman screamed. A mouse was sitting on top of the chip packages, munching on a Cheeto as big as its head.

Dane and I had arrived at Rock Island three days earlier on the Karfi ferry. Our mission was to be the camp hosts from Sunday, September 29, to the following Sunday. Our responsibilities: “Along with helping to take care of the park, camp hosts greet daily visitors and campers, monitor the campground, sell merchandise and firewood, and much more.” We had no clue just how much more it would entail this year.

Leaving the boat, we had grabbed our gear and had taken a short UTV ride to the cabin where we’d be staying for the next seven nights. As we unpacked our supplies, we rejoiced in our luck at being here again. The year so far had been more than challenging, with Dane’s heart attack, a bout with Lyme disease, and my granddaughter Helena’s tragic death. We were ready to lose ourselves in service and the solace of the island. Better yet, my friend Emily was coming for her first camping trip on the island. I couldn’t wait to share the beauty of this place with her.

Mel, the departing camp host, greeted us with warnings: “The mice are everywhere, and bold. Keep the doors to the cabin closed. Tell the campers to eat before dark and out on the green or away from their campsite. Have them dispose of their garbage right away. They shouldn’t keep anything with scent in their tent, not even toothpaste or Chapstick. Hanging bags up doesn’t work—the mice can climb and are skilled at getting into the bags.”

As we walked back from our cabin to the boathouse to receive our instructions for the week, we saw our first mouse.

“Dane!” I cried, pointing at where his foot had just touched down, trapping a mouse. He lifted his foot and it scurried away.

Now we noticed them everywhere, hustling back and forth across the gravel path, rustling in the leaves, and even climbing the walls in the boathouse gift shop.

Soon the previous week’s crew departed for the mainland. We were on our own.

“Welcome to Rock Island,” I shouted as the ferry pulled up to the dock with our first group of campers and day visitors. And there was Emily!

After telling the day visitors how to get to the lighthouse, I tried to give the campers a heads-up on the mice—what to do and not do. The “Guys,” as we started referring to them, pushed past us, saying, “We know.” They’d received a letter the State Park had sent warning of the mice situation. Other campers hadn’t received the letter and weren't prepared to defend their gear or food from the mice. Many said that in all the years they’d camped here, they’d rarely seen a mouse.

Dane and I agreed. Rock Island is one of our top happy places. In our many years vacationing here, we’d never had to deal with mice.

Thankfully, Emily had received her letter and came prepared with a cooler.

Camp hosts don’t have much time to dawdle. While Emily set up her camp, we made our rounds and checked in with campers, loaned out two of our plastic containers, and checked on the garbage situation in the most popular building on the island: the one with running water and flush toilets!

“Arghh!” I yelped. Someone had left the cover off the garbage can in the ladies’ room. Mice started popping out, running the rim of the lid like they were on a treadmill, diving deeper into the can’s contents, climbing the wall, and circling my head on the ceiling like a circus act. I kept kicking the can, yelling, “Out, get out!”

That evening Emily joined us in preparing meal packs wrapped in foil while Dane started our campfire. It was still light out, and Emily reported seeing mice in her campsite.

While the meal was cooking, we fended off mice. While eating, we fended off mice. While making s’mores, mice were climbing our legs, the marshmallow sticks, and the picnic table, and we fended them off.

In the morning, the Guys boasted that they’d killed 70 mice.

We listened to tales of mice chewing through waterproof bags, running on and over tents all night, and emptying a full box of wine that had been left out. Gear and tents had been ruined, and many campers packed up to leave, including Emily. When the Guys left after three days on the island, their mouse kill count was close to 350.

Instead of finding solace on Rock Island, we found thousands of mice creating havoc and unrest. But we never considered leaving. We love the island in spite of mice.

We don’t know how the mouse population got so out of control, but we’re confident the DNR will figure out a solution and Rock Island will continue to be our happy place.

Joy

Louisa brings joy to our lives

Joy

Nick Cave is an Australian musician, actor, and writer. He’s best known for his deep voice and his band, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. He also writes a popular weekly blog called The Red Hand Files, where he answers the questions that readers ask him. For his 300th issue, he decided to turn the tables and ask us, his readers, a simple question, saying he’d post his favorite answers.

The question was: “Where or how do you find joy?”

I decided to answer.

Dear Nick,

When my eyes open in the morning and I whisper Thank you, my heart starts to fill with joy. It sets the foundation for the rest of my day, that first act of the day, saying Thank you.

It’s the same feeling when I crack an egg and watch it sizzle, smell that slice of sourdough bread popping up from the toaster, turn on the faucet to brush my teeth or use a flushing toilet.

Thank you is a prayer I can say throughout the day for all the tiny miracles I encounter. Being aware of the simple gifts I receive daily is how I find joy.

And then from that foundation, joy builds…

Noticing the clouds, the black squirrel that safely made it across the road, my dog rolling over for a belly rub, flowers my partner surprised me with for no reason, a polished apple in my lunch bag, the sun shining on my face, or an unexpected phone call from a friend asking, “How are you doing?”

Joy doesn’t care about my race, my weight, who I love, my bank account, if my home is messy or immaculate. Joy is a universal feeling I harvest when I start to notice and say Thank you for all the things I might otherwise have taken for granted.

And some days, that’s hard to do! But when I do, even my posture changes from slumping to standing upright, my frown becomes a silly half smile on my face, and even my toes seem to wiggle with more ease.

Thank you, Nick, for your vulnerability in sharing your thoughts and feelings with us in The Red Hand Files.

Jane

Viola, Wisconsin, USA

Nick was overwhelmed by the response he received to this question. Over 2,000 letters arrived within the first few days after he’d posted it. He wrote on his blog: “So many of your responses are extraordinarily moving, from thoughtful and eloquent treatises on the nature of joy to a tiny voice from Limerick, Ireland, saying simply, ‘Golf’—a response that, for some inexplicable reason reduced me to tears.”

He went on to say it was impossible to choose his favorite answer, so instead he decided to collate them and post them all on a page he’ll call “Joy.” He asked for our patience, as he had read through only about the first 500 responses.

Here is the link if you’re curious about what people from all over the world answered when asked, “Where or how do you find joy?”: theredhandfiles.com/joy.

How would you have answered? Where or how do you find joy?

Until I Am Jane Again

Until I Am Jane Again

It’s morning. Smoke from distant fires turns the sunrise red. Standing quietly in the doorway, I can hear the donkeys’ soft, rhythmic breathing: hum on the inhale, puff on the exhale.

Even though I've been up for an hour my eyelids are heavy and if I’m not careful I may topple over.

The flock inside the Duck Hall has registered my presence. I’m listening so intently to their sounds that I’m startled when my eyes close.

Moving into the new day requires much more effort than listening to the rise and fall of Diego and Carlos’s breath, or the shuffle of feathers and low squawks from the ducks and geese. I feel uninspired—as hazy and thick as the morning air.

Making tea, I try to understand: Did I start to feel like this after my granddaughter’s sudden death in June? Or earlier, while helping Dane get back on his feet after life-threatening heart issues? Was it the positive Lyme diagnosis? Or the sudden shift from being Dane’s everyday caregiver once he was able to live on his own again?

Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, I’m not feeling like myself. Normally I’d hit the ground running the minute my eyes open. Often Dane used to have to gently ask me to rein myself in. If I felt him turn during the night, I took it as an invitation to start a conversation, with either a philosophical question or an enthusiastic stream of what the next day might bring: “Let’s eat breakfast out, then take the dogs on a long walk. We could check out Nelson’s afterward and get what we need for the fence, then go to Festival in La Crosse and load up on our weekly groceries. Would you want to eat dinner on the bistro, then head into town for the music?”

Dane would twitch in frustration, longing to just go back to sleep. Eventually, I learned to control my active mind—and mouth—until he’d at least had a cup of coffee. But nowadays I seem out of control in a different way.

I move like a sloth. Instead of taking joy in healthy meals, I’ve snacked on convenience foods—think fried chicken followed by chugging a bottle of chocolate milk—on the way to my daughter’s in Milwaukee and back home again.

I no longer feel like socializing, a stark contrast from days when I’ve been asked to move up in line after holding back the flow because I was busy sharing a story. And while I’d never be accused of being Little Ms. Organizer, these days it seems impossible for me to put things away properly. Only yesterday, the birdseed for Benny and Jo-Jo turned up in the freezer, and the scissors were lying on top of the back stove burner. I felt a rush of relief when I realized the stove was turned off.

I’ll have a test in December for my ACE (American Council of Exercise) recertification, but I’m not studying the way know I should be. Worse, I’m not even reading for fun.

This is me out of control. I can’t seem to gather together (or find where I put) my life.

So I asked myself, What’s up, Jane? What’s really going on for you? Then I listened without interrupting, reflected on what I said—and decided to give myself grace.

I replied to grieving Jane: It’s okay not to feel like yourself. It’s okay to eat crappy food, to not be in the woods as often as usual, and to leave your desk a mess. It’s okay to skip that party, and even to go down a different aisle at the store to avoid a conversation. It’s okay to take a break from reading the books you once enjoyed, and it’s going to have to be okay that you’re not studying.

I’ve decided to relax my expectations of myself.

Maybe this is my way of regaining control: by deciding what I can and can’t handle—by not doing, not going, not achieving, and instead just sitting. And thinking. And writing. And wishing.

Maybe that’s enough for now.

What are you doing today, Jane?

Practicing grace.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Same thing. Practicing grace, taking long naps, snuggling with the cats…

But what about your life, your projects, your intentions, Jane?

They can wait until I’m feeling like Jane again.

Meanwhile, what I can do is reach out to my daughter, her husband, my grandson. I can let Dane know how much his presence in my life means to me. I can quietly check in on friends and neighbors.

I’ll keep saying my simple prayer of Thank you. Thank you for this life. Thank you for each breath. Thank you for making me aware that nothing can be taken for granted.

And thank you for letting me hurt and feel pain. Thank you for letting me be human. Otherwise, I’d never have known love.