Breakdown

Dane putting together his Zoll LifeVest

Call button. Choking. More blankets. Feet cold. So thirsty. Congested. Am I breathing? When tube out?

These heartbreaking words are scrawled across a sheet of paper, attached to a clipboard lying on Dane’s waist. His hands are tied down so he can’t pull the breathing tube out of his throat. Kevin, the cardiovascular ICU nurse, is tuned in, reading monitors, making adjustments, pushing medicine through Dane’s IV, and asking loudly, “Dane, hey buddy, can you hear me?”

On Friday the 13th, I drove Dane to Vernon Memorial Hospital to see about his chest pain and shortness of breath. Later that evening he was transported by ambulance to Gundersen Medical Center in La Crosse. We both thought, Same rodeo as seven years ago. Back then, when Dane had chest pains, he got outfitted with two shiny new stents, went home, and was back in his fitness class the next day.

Not this time. All three of the main arteries feeding his heart were nearly blocked off.

At one point, Dane pleaded for the medical staff to give him something to make the horrendous squeezing in his chest stop. After looking at his EKG, they rushed him away. One of his damaged arteries had closed off completely.

Dane’s brother, Mark, arrived and found me waiting in the room Dane had been rushed out of. Soon a nurse came in to tell us they were performing CPR on Dane. Ultimately, they had to revive him three times.

An hour later, we were ushered to the critical care floor where the chaplain, followed by the cardiologist, came to talk to us. Prepare for possible brain damage, kidney failure with a life of dialysis, and his lungs may fill with fluids. When we finally got to see Dane, we were certain he recognized us, but uncertain about everything else.

Nurse Kevin wisely gave him the clipboard and a pen. Unable to talk because of the tube, Dane fumbled with the pen, trying to get a grip on it, desperate to communicate with us.

So thirsty

Choking

How long for tube?

The next day, it’s determined he can breathe on his own, and to his great relief the tube is removed.

Three days later, we’re in room 6107 on the cardiopulmonary floor. It’s too early for even the birds to be awake, yet Dane is wheezing the lyrics to a song that’s circling inside his head, “Breakdown,” by Tom Petty:

It's alright if you love me
It's alright if you don't
I'm not afraid of you running away, honey
I get the feeling you won't

I watch him from the recliner chair where I've spent the night. It’s earlier than Dane would normally wake up or have a conversation. But this isn’t a normal situation. As he strains to recollect and sing the words, I silently rejoice that his brain hasn’t suffered.

Dane drifts off and then wakes again later with a new earworm: “One More Cup of Coffee” by Bob Dylan.

One more cup of coffee for the road
One more cup of coffee 'fore I go
To the valley below

Listening to him, I feel my own breakdown coming. I untangle myself from the covers and maneuver to the bathroom to gather myself. Before he drifts back to sleep, he tells me, in a weak, wispy voice that’s scratchy from the intubation: “I’m a miracle.”

Indeed he is. Dane got lucky.

On Dane’s second-to-last day in the hospital, the whole crash team walk behind him and cheer while he takes his first steps down the hall with a CNA and Mark.

Curious, I ask Dane if he saw any lights or a tunnel before the medics revived him. “Nope,” he answers, “this is the second time I was robbed.” Dane explains later that he briefly lost a pulse during a routine surgery at age 19. He tells me, “I guess I didn’t get far enough into the tunnel.” I remind him he had a few chances this last time.

Dane believes in the mystery and connection of all things. One of his favorite quotes is from William Blake: “Everything that lives is holy.” When I read to him all the well wishes, good intentions, prayers, quotes, and poems sent to us by his family, friends, and community, he becomes overwhelmed.

“Lovely. Lovely… Thank you. That’s nice,” Dane comments as I read. Often he names the poet or tells me where a Bible quote is from.

Dane may have had a breakdown, but it’s clear he is not broken—and if we’re all lucky, he won’t be going to the valley below anytime soon.